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Think Of Me and Smile

I wonder sometimes about how personal to make my blog posts.  MS Run the US, Inc. is a non-profit fundraising business, but I also feel there is an attractive quality in allowing our supporters in to the life of my family, and the life that I live.  And really, anyone that follows my Twitter feed can see what I had for dinner, so what is personal anymore?  Well, this topic is very personal, but I’ve written this blog in my head one to many times while running to not let it out.

In early January of this year, Andrew and I called off our wedding engagement.  For the few that had been paying attention online & through social media the split-up was barely noticeable, but for everyone else it slipped through the cracks, mainly because I snuck out the back door and crept away slowly without trying to make any commotion.

As we went through the break-up, and all the emotions that go with it, I was reminded of a previous relationship I had in college.  I was head-over-heels smitten by my boyfriend, thinking he felt the same; the painfulness & surprise of that break-up resonated with me for nearly 12 months and for a while I lived my life simply to prove to him that I was better off without him.  The funny thing that eventually happened is that pretending to be better off without him actually caused my life to be better off without him.

With AD and I, time was something that I needed more of, but a luxury we just didn’t have.

As I learn more about love, I learn more about myself.  Maybe I am a coward, impulsive, and centrally focused.  But trusting honesty, Faith, and instinct can be the difference between elated happiness and nostalgic regret.  Maybe I took the easy way out.  Maybe I didn’t give him & I a try.  Maybe I walked away with my head too high and my heart too light.  Maybe it really could have worked.  But…maybe.  Maybe our lives are changed for the better.  Maybe it was too hard.  Maybe you can have it all.  Maybe he’ll live to prove he is better off without me, to find one day that he is, in fact, better off without me.  Maybe it’s time to move on.

A friend once told me, relationships happen for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.  What Andrew & I had was a great season, and one that I’ll never forget; it’s one that has taught me many, many lessons.  Each night in my prayers I think of him.  I picture him standing on the sandy shores of Australia, gazing over the great blue water.  In my vision he’ll think of me and smile; not because we know each other, but because we once did.

 

 

  • by ashleyk
  • posted at 6:49 AM
  • May 10, 2012